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On the subject of SM contacting BM:
What prompts the SM to want to contact BM? In the 10+ years I've been on ST, these are some of the most common occurrences:
- SM is new and enthusiastic to the role and wants to be involved, often oblivious to boundaries
- SM is trying to assert her rights as the girlfriend or wife in efforts to secure a role in the stepfamily dynamic
- SM feels that BF/SO/DH isn't stepping up, so takes over the role he should be playing in parenting and communication with BM
- SM can't see that there is more than one way to do things, more than one perspective and that parenting isn't as easy as black and white or right versus wrong
- SM thinks she knows better than the BM about the BM's own children when it comes to parenting, dressing the kids, feeding them, disciplining them because the SM is more educated or has "read books"
It is, more often than not, a very bad idea to contact BM. From one member's viewpoint, please don't do it! If you have something to say, write/type it out, then rip it up/delete it. Your words will not suddenly make BM "see the light".
Whether or not you have a civil relationship with BM, you are still both coming from opposite ends of the spectrum. The only reason you're in each other's lives is the common denominator of your DH/SO, her ex.
Even the most rational and reasonable BM will likely not appreciate the SM overstepping. Whether or not BM likes you, the reality for most of us here at ST is that there is not a good relationship between BM and SM. As a SM, stop and consider this for a moment. Why do you think that BM would want to hear anything from you or listen to anything you have to say? Think for a minute about someone you don't like, and then that someone starts criticizing you and offering you suggestions on what to do and how to live your life, particularly when it involves your child. Are you going to react positively or are you likely to react in anger? What are the chances a bad situation is going to be made worse?
Take a deep breath, and a big step back. How you and Dh run your household is up to the two of you, but it's not up to you to make choices for BM's household, just as you wouldn't want her making choices for you.
I hate to see anyone endure unnecessary pain and difficulties in their steplife. Every single time I see a post entitled "Letter/Email to BM" my very first reaction before even reading the post is "NO!! DON'T DO IT!!!!!!"
Contributed in 2010 by member "Rachel"